The plan was to leave home by 9 a.m. to get on the road and embark on the family trip (that you planned) to Great Wolf Lodge. The clock currently reads 9:38 and your husband, annoyed about not leaving on time, is taking his frustration out on arranging the luggage (that you packed) into the trunk of the car (that you filled up with gas the day before). As you hurriedly finish washing the dishes from breakfast (that you made for everyone), you hear the kids start arguing amongst themselves. You find yourself longingly wish it was you packing the car, rather than your spouse whose absence seems to be a common theme when familial chaos commences. The yelling and whining grate on your last nerve and then suddenly you hear…”HONK!” The dam of emotional overload bursts. As if you are in an out-of-body experience, you hear yourself screaming at the kids, your husband, and even two unwashed forks in the sink. Left in the aftermath are others’ hurt feelings and our own guilt and remorse.
People losing control of their emotions is just another thread in the fabric of humanity. It happens to everyone. Reactive brain overpowers reasoning brain in the midst of a stressful situation, yielding a powerful, negative reaction. The recipients of your rage could be family, friends, or even the person who cut your car off on the highway. Reactive brain doesn’t discriminate who is on the receiving end of the outburst. In this state, the brain is automatically and impulsively responding to an agitator or unnerving circumstance. Reactions are usually quick and unconscious, rather than thoughtful and deliberate.
The 5 Main Reasons We Get So Heated
1. Built Up Inner Turmoil
We have suppressed, negative feelings stacking up and eventually they bear too much weight for us to remain unbothered. Common emotions that pile up are feelings of stress, anxiety, inadequacy, insecurity, resentment, frustration, or living inauthentically. The recurrence of a problem or issue that persists, but never gets solved, also leads to the growth and festering of internal animosity. External tensions, such as physical ailments or sickness, accumulate in our stockpile of adverse emotions as well. The accumulation of such feelings and thoughts may be completely unrelated to the situations playing out before us, but eventually we just reach our breaking points.
2. Triggers From Past Experiences
When incidents occur that are reminiscent of experiences that left a lasting, negative impression on us it could spark a fervent emotional reaction, regardless of current mood. We could be in a state of emotional balance, but then something could occur that tips the scales. Unpleasant memories from the past could conjure up feelings that could make someone feel defensive or, conversely, go on the offensive. It is as if the subconscious is seeking to mend the pains from whatever transpired in the past. Some researchers believe the brain stores memories from traumatic events which, in turn, lead to someone having an adverse response to a particular, triggering situation.
3. Expectations Not Being Met
People have expectations on how they want or should be treated. Oftentimes we expect others’ actions and conduct to align with our own set of personal principles. We have a fixed vision of what we want from other people–whether it be words or actions. When that deviates from what we expect, we can get set off. One example in which this tends to occur is when we think we have given a lot of effort into someone or something and await some form of reciprocity. We look for it in different ways; whether it be an acknowledgement, a kind word, or an ear to listen when we need something. Our preconceived notions can be disappointing when we believe we are giving more than what someone else is reflecting back to us. Another case in which people may feel their expectations are not being met is when we feel our boundaries are not being respected and have been crossed. Sometimes we automatically assume others know or should know what our limits are and feel violated when those lines have been crossed. Each person’s comfort zone varies and when we feel ours has been disturbed in any way we may fight back.
4. Interpretations
There are times when we interpret others’ actions or behaviors to be more personally driven than they truly are. The feelings we elicit from such incidents can cause us to feel as though their actions were maliciously motivated or callously handled, causing us to lose our tempers. We may perceive that others have ill intent towards us and are trying to attack our character. Additionally, we may be under the misconception that people are indifferent and apathetic to our needs. Feelings of being disrespected, dismissed, unappreciated, and/or taken for granted are examples of how we may jump to conclusions about the reasoning behind people’s interactions with us.
5. Sensory Overload
People can have adverse reactions to overstimulation in their surroundings. Excessive sensory inputs such as smells, sights, sounds, touches, or even tastes can become overwhelming and stressful. These conditions make it hard for the brain to process and filter the various forms of information that are being transmitted within the current environment. A child’s whine, loud music, blinking lights, and exorbitant amounts of tactile affection are just a few ways a person may be affected by sensory overload. Oftentimes the body’s physiological reaction to such episodes is for people to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
Now, that the primary causes of our tumultuous reactions has been established, it is time to move on to how to handle these situations once they start to unfold.
3 Things To Do To Keep Your Cool
KNOW YOUR A-B-C’s.
1. Awareness & Acceptance
Becoming cognizant that you are starting to feel mad, irritated, overwhelmed, or upset allows you to check-in with your current emotional status. You may notice your body’s reactions. Are you biting your lip? Is your stomach churning? Are you making fists or pointing your finger at someone? Is your heart racing? Try to become aware of your body’s signals when you are shifting from a peaceful state to an agitated frame of mind. Contemplate which words describe how you’re beginning to feel. Are you angry? Disappointed? Sad? Your “mood meter” guides you in pinpointing what exactly is bothering you. Remind yourself that it is normal to have these conflicting feelings in dealing with others. Accept and own your emotions without judgment. Repressing or ignoring your authentic emotions will only lead to them being compartmentalized. Those feelings will still be there, stuffed into an imaginary box in your brain. They need to be addressed and processed so that they can eventually be released.
2. Break & Breathe
Now that you’ve come to realize you have reached your tolerance capacity, it’s time for a break. It takes strength and insight to know your limits. Take some time to disengage and be alone. This gives you an opportunity to rein in and control your feelings before they control you. Go somewhere by yourself and take deep breaths to calm your nervous system and clear your mind. By establishing this pause, you are regulating your body and decreasing the chances of potentially expressing hurtful words and behaviors. This strategy will help decrease the severity of your emotions.
3. Communicate (With Yourself & Others)
Ask yourself, “Is this person deliberately trying to hurt me? Where are these feelings stemming from? Why am I this emotional?” The answers may help you put things into perspective and inject some logic into the situation. You can also say a specific phrase or affirmation. This is a beneficial grounding technique that diffuse the intensity of these emotions. You may want to try saying, “I can’t control others, but I can control myself,” or, “This feeling will pass.” Encouraging self-talk helps reframe the mindset to one of positivity. After conferring with yourself, it is time to communicate with others. Conveying your feelings to others gives them further insight into your values, beliefs, standards, and boundaries. However, you want your message to be sent effectively; not lost in a hostile delivery. Using “I” statements is a powerful way to express your values, observations, and feelings because the focus is on you and does not attack or insult the other person’s character or personality. Using wording such as, “I feel…”, “I expect…”, or, “I would like…” is a respectful way to share your thoughts and explains to them what you would like to see happen moving forward. By avoiding the word “you” and by abstaining from listing the others’ faults and deficiencies, not only have you increased the chances of truly being heard but also the likelihood of others taking your feelings into consideration in the future.
Learning to identify and manage your emotional triggers can take some time. Give yourself patience and grace. The more you practice the strategies to handle your triggers, the easier it will become to navigate through the inevitable challenges of emotional duress.
