Clothes thrown on the floor. Plates with half-eaten sandwiches left on the table. Dirty shoes worn in and throughout the house. If you’re a parent you have probably witnessed at least one of these minor (albeit irritating) offenses.
Wouldn’t it be great to respond to such infractions without screaming and swearing on your end and without resistance and resentment from your child?
As parents we tend to get caught up in the frustration of wondering why we have to constantly repeat so many directives to our young roommates. It’s annoying. However, when our delivery is sent in a way that shows respect for their feelings and protects their character they will be more willing to cooperate because they won’t feel attacked or discouraged. It is also beneficial to refrain from telling them what to do because then they become responsible for finding a way to solve the problem that they have been presented. Inspired by the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish I used the authors’ tactics and devised a few ways of my own to make a list of 6 ways to elicit cooperation from children.
6 Ways to Elicit Cooperation from Children
1. Describe What You See/ Make An Observation
When we describe the problem or comment on something we are observing, we give the child the opportunity to figure out what the next course of action should be. We aren’t telling the child what he/she is doing wrong; instead, we are encouraging them to realize WHY it needs to be fixed or corrected. It is hard for people to focus on what actions need to be done when they are being criticized. Therefore, a description or observation of the problem allows the child to ask themselves, “What do I need to do about this?”
Example: The parent says, “I see a carton of milk on the counter.”
2. Give Information
Provide information about the situation to help them figure out or understand what needs to be done. Skip yelling or admonitions– that only sends the child into defense mode instead of the intended “fix it” mode. Information is easier to accept than accusation. When a child receives information not only does he/she learn something they may not have known, but it also gives them an opportunity to independently figure out what to do. We present facts that help the person understand WHY we want things done in a certain manner.
Example: The parent says, “Milk can go sour if it sits out too long.”
3. One Word Or Short Phrase
Ever find yourself just going on and on airing out your frustration and grievances when you want something done? Ever hear the expression, “Less is more”? Kids (and I’d go far enough to say even most adults) hate lectures or sermons, so save your breath and just say what you want with a word or quick phrase. It drives your point home more effectively and saves your body some oxygen. The shorter the request, the more likely your objective will be met in the future. A concise word or phrase is clear, whereas lectures, speeches, or long-winded explanations on how they screwed up either causes the listener to tune out the talker or leaves the listener feeling inadequate and incapable.
Example: The parent says, “Shoes!” when they see shoes strewn about the floor.
4. Say How You Feel
Say how you feel about what is bothering you. Don’t talk about how the other person is pissing you off. Tell the child about how you feel when these occurrences take place or how you expect them to treat you. No accusing, finger-pointing, and/or shaming. Give them insight into your perspective in the situation. That simple step alone helps them empathize with someone else’s point of view. A view they may not have even been aware of beforehand. Kids should hear their parents’ genuine feelings and thoughts— it allows them to understand us better. As long as we omit commentary about the kid’s character or personality. We can show them our irritation— but we shouldn’t verbally attack their character or make them feel badly about themselves. Just keep reiterating that these actions make you feel that way.
Example: The parent says, “I feel upset when I see clean clothes thrown on the floor because I took time to fold them neatly.”
5. “As soon as…then…”
You have to follow through with this one for it to be effective. Kids need us and depend on us for things. So if there is something you want done, let them know that when they do the task you want done, then they could have the thing they want from you. This message shouldn’t be delivered in a prideful, “I have the power and upper hand” type of tone; it is more effective when it is nonchalantly stated because it allows the child to not feel domineered, therefore more willing to complete the task and then get their wish granted.
Example: The parent says, “As soon as the dishes are washed, then you can go to your friend’s house.”
6. Write A Note
Leave a note or a post-it simply stating what you would like done. The written word is also a visual form of intimacy. We speak all day to children— but, writing them a specific note may make them feel special and make instructions clearer since the instructions are directly in front of them. The note can be funny, playful; it can be short and sweet; but it should always be respectful. When we, the adults, show respect we teach them to show respect to others as well.
Example: A towel left behind on the bathroom floor has a Post-It placed on it that reads, “Hey, it’s me. Your towel. Can you hang me up, please? It’s uncomfortable hanging on this floor all day. Thanks!”
EXAMPLES WITH SCENARIOS
You know that game, “Would You Rather?” where a person is given two scenarios and chooses which situation sounds more appealing? Let’s do that right now.
Try to envision the following 4 scenarios happening to you and decide which way you would rather be spoken to.
Scenario 1:
Statement A: “I see sneakers on in the house.”
Statement B: “Take off your dirty shoes!”
Scenario 2:
Statement A: “Bacteria and poop are on the bottom of shoes. I don’t like them being worn in the house.”
Statement B: “Take off your disgusting shoes now. Why would you think it’s okay to walk around the house in them?”
Scenario 3:
Statement A: “Shoes!”
Statement B: “Once again, you’re wearing shoes on in the house! How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want them on in the house? I’ve told you a million times that when you do, you are tracking bacteria and filth all through my house. Get them off now!”
Scenario 4:
Statement A: “I get really upset when I see shoes on in the house because I work hard to keep the house clean.”
Statement B: “Why do you ALWAYS forget to take off your shoes when you get home? It’s not that hard to do!”
Well, I don’t know about you, but I would have chosen Statements A in each scenario.
Parent Checklist
In using any or all of the aforementioned techniques, parents should strive to use the following guidelines in the delivery of their messages:
* I was respectful
*I didn’t attack anyone’s character or personality
*I didn’t waste my breath lecturing to someone who probably isn’t listening anyway
*The child found a solution to the problem on their own
Conclusion
Is it easy to apply these strategies in the midst of an aggravating moment? Heck no! BUT, the more they’re practiced and implemented, the more we begin to naturally react that way. The best part is, that it ultimately gets us the outcomes we want: willing– not begrudging — cooperation and courteousness. It’s better to have a person respect us enough to WANT to adhere to our boundaries and rules than to have a person who resentfully or fearfully does what we want because we made them feel like crap because they messed up.
